On Choosing a Mentor

I’ve just finished reading “The Dude’s Guide to Marriage” by Darrin and Amie Patrick (I’ll write an in-depth review of it soon). Chapter 4 is titled GROW and its focus is on the importance of, you guessed it, growth in a man’s life.

This chapter, like the rest of the book, is very practical but so far the least helpful. He covers aspects of a man’s growth like the need to read, developing diverse friendships, and knowing yourself emotionally. All good stuff but I was disappointed that he didn’t talk about having a mentor. Personally, this has been crucial in my growth as a man.

From my own experience (mostly through failure) I’d like to share 3 things to keep in mind when seeking out a mentor:

1) Don’t Force It!

I am emphatic on this one, don’t force the relationship with a potential mentor. I’ve done this before and all it does is put them in a position they don’t necessarily want to be in; not to mention, it has the potential to quickly kill any type of relationship. Rather than jamming yourself into someone’s life and putting them on the spot, let these relationships, like all other healthy ones, develop naturally. As you befriend someone, wait and see if you click. If you do and they have mentor potential (I should probably post on what to look for in a mentor), then pursue them.

2) Take It One Semester at A Time

Once you have garnered a mentor, commit to meeting together for at least two months but no longer than five or six. By doing this you leave yourselves a natural out if the relationship fizzles out and it’s time for one or both of you to move on. Nothing is worse than being someone’s mentor longer past its expiration date. I’ll typically ask a potential mentor to meet once or twice a month until the end of a school semester (Aug-Dec; Jan-May) and then let them know upfront that we’ll reevaluate at the end of the time. Maybe you both click and it’s working out, great! Keep going, but don’t force it.

3) Your Mentor Won’t Be Perfect So Don’t Expect Jesus

I have done plenty of damage in the past by expecting my mentors to be, in essence, Jesus. I put unrealistic expectations on older men to be perfect. I mean, they had been Christians longer than me, so shouldn’t they have it all figured out by now!? No. They’re still sinful, broken men, who need the gospel just like me. Once I realized that having a mentor meant I could learn from them without expecting perfection, it actually freed me up to enjoy my time with them more. It also helped me to realize having multiple mentors was wise. So now, I pursue different guys for different things. There may be a man I meet with who is an awesome father, or a man who is an exceptionally good husband, or a man who is beyond me theologically; all of these men have wisdom and experience to offer and I would be foolish not to seek them out.

If you don’t have a mentor/s in your life, then let me strongly encourage you to pray and ask God for one/some. Almost nothing has helped me grow as a man (in every sense of manhood) than having older-wiser men speaking into my life.